Looking back at my dating career the nights and the girls that I remember the best were the ones that were total disasters.

The truth is, I actually feel fairly fondly about them.

The regular old dinner and a movie ones that went just fine all run together. But the ones that made you think you would NEVER go out again are now my favorites.

Why? The shit dates are way more fun to talk about.

So in no particular order, here is a collection of my absolute worst moments in dating history. I swear on my soul that I have not embellished a single detail.

1) The Dine And Dash

I have no clue what this girl’s name was but she had a really great body and long black curly hair. It was a blind date set up by a neighbor in college. I pick her up and she insisted on going to a particular restaurant because her friend was the bartender and he could load us up with free drinks.

Hey, I’m all about free…

We come in and get seated. She runs over to to talk to the bartender, a guy. She comes back 5 minutes later. We order some food. She runs over to talk to the bartender and comes back 5 minutes later. The food arrives. She eats a few bites and is back at the bar. She’s now totally flirting with the guy and comes back 10 minutes later. She eats a little more and heads back to the bartender. She comes back 10 minutes later and says she’s going to the bathroom.

So what does a gentleman do?

As soon as she was in the bathroom I left her ass there in the restaurant, with the bill. She didn’t bring her purse. Nice, right?

2) Love Bug

I ask a girl out from my Spanish class (again, college days) after a couple of days of heavy flirting. I pick her up, she gets in the car and we go to Chinese restaurant where we proceed to split one of those jumbo made for two cocktail bowls that gets served while its on fire.

We’re slurping away with the bowl of booze between us.

“I hope you don’t have a cold or something,” I joked.

She laughs and then says:

“That’s funny. You know what’s not funny? Herpes.”

She then goes on a 30 minute rant on how many people in America have herpes, how you never know who has it, how awful it is, how you may not even know you have it but you might still have it, just hearing the word “herpes” can send your privates into full blown cold sore bloom etc etc etc.

Instantly, it’s really apparent that the chic has to have herpes. That’s cool. I’m just not going to touch her, right?

Well after the bucket of flaming booze it becomes really apparent why she has herpes because she’s basically trying her best to get a little “cream of sum yung guy.”

Seriously, I was nearly raped and infected with a raging case of herpes.

She called a couple of days later all pissed off and wanted to know why I never called her back.

“You never know who might have herpes,” I said.

CLICK

3) She Moves In Her Own Way

Since I went to Baylor, the place was crawling with Baptist girls who were convinced booze would send them to hell. So what do you do with a date like that?

It’s called a Kahlua Mudslide and as far as they know, it’s just a coffee flavored milk shake.

This date said, yes, she’d go out BUT I had to go to church with her the next day. I reluctantly agreed and threw some mudslides her way. Hey, she’s sort of goodie two shoes but really nice. She invites me into her apartment and low and behold she baked brownies for me earlier in the day. What a swell girl!

Things are about to happen when her roomies bust in the front door and I’m suddenly ushered on home cause, you know, church tomorrow.

I wakeup, doa couple of bong hits, eat some left over brownies, pick her up and we go over to her church. About 10 minutes into the service I realize that something isn’t right. Suddenly people are talking gibberish.

Fuck me, these assholes are convulsing all around me and speaking in tongues. The girl stands up and gives me this dazed smile while her thighs start rubbing together. Her eyes get dopey looking and suddenly roll into the back of her head.

Yes, the girl has orgasmed right there in church.

I can deal with a lot of things, but I’m a total WASP Episcopalian. Making yourself cum in church packed with people and thinking it’s the Holy Spirit moving through you is a total deal breaker (unless its my wang making you cum in a confessional booth).

Yes, she went on to work for a very conservative politician that had a cabinet post in the Bush administration.

4) Things That Go Splat In The Night

She was not of legal drinking age. She really liked to drink. She brewed her own beer. It was terrible. She drank it all.

So when it comes to sexy time, she jumps off the bed to excuse herself and WITH THE BATHROOM DOOR OPEN proceeds to destroy the toilet.

I’m still not sure if she was barfing, crapping or both. It sounded like someone was alternating between a one woman water balloon fight and pouring a 5 gallon bucket of clam chowder in the toilet.

After about 30 horrid moments she comes out and says she’s ready to get down to business.

“Uh, well, there’s this girl that might have herpes that I gotta go see.”

5) Bedknobs and Broomsticks

I have a soul. I really do.

This girl at the newspaper was all bummed out because she had some women’s group thing Friday night and couldn’t find a date. Not thinking I say…

“Come on, there must be plenty of guys who want to go out with you.”

“Will you go with me?”

FUCK

“Uh, sure, I think, what time again?”

So I’m totally roped into going out with what I assume to be the lamest girl to ever walk the face of the Earth.

I pick her up. We get a few drinks. We go to the event. We go to another bar. She proceeds to tell me:

“My pussy is almost always wet. It’s really wet now. Take me home.”

Yes! A diamond in the rough. Good work Lazlo. Karma is looking out for you.

We get to her place. We get in the bedroom and what does she ask me to do?

She wants me to stick her head between the wall and the head board and do her from behind. The critical element is that she wants me to slam the head board against her head at the same time. Apparently, some guy did the same thing to her a month ago. She called the cops. When the cops got there, the guy was gone. She decided not to press charges because, well, she really liked it.

Hey, I can do a lot of things, but I can’t do that. And as soon as a lady says her new found sexual proclivity is grounds for dialing 911…

You get the fuck out of there and head back over to see that girl who thinks the Holy Spirit makes cum at church.