Cheating or Not?
You were only holding hands in a park, with your pants off

Back on Twitter, which, actually, is a lot more like real life than anything else on the interwebs, I got thrown into a cheating debate a couple months back.

It started when someone’s someone went off to a strip club for the night and never came home.

One side said strip clubs aren’t cheating, the other side said they are.

But let’s face it, if the person you love is not coming home as expected something is wrong and damaged.

I don’t really understand why when someone is in a monogamous relationship and they have sexy time with someone else it is called “cheating.” It’s more like “promise breaking” or “lieing like a rug.”

Cheating or Not?
When you tell a friend you’ll do anything for them, you gotta follow through with the promise

What really confuses the hell out of me is the new phenom known as having an “emotional affair.” Seriously, last time I checked that’s called being friends.

So your friend happens to be of another gender. So your friend happens to look good. So your friend happens to know things your significant other doesn’t know. What’s the big deal?

I mean, do you really want to know EVERYTHING your mate is thinking about anyway?

In my opinion, a really strong relationship is built on love and trust with sprinkles of white lies tossed in to keep the magic glowing.

We tell them all the time:

“No, you can barely see that zit on your chin.”

“I’m sure you will win next time.”

“Wow, this is delicious.”

“I want to do whatever you want today.”

If this good friend, who happens to be attractive through no fault of their own, also happens to be the same person that you have an easier time being honest with about your worries, fears and hopes…

I don’t see a problem there if you aren’t getting physical.

Cheating or Not?
Because “No” is such an ugly word

If your partner does stray how would you like it to happen?

Do you want them to go out, drink a little too much and “accidentally” bump uglies with a stranger next to a dumpster behind the bar?

Is it better if it’s someone they know and trust and maybe their is some sort of connection on some level but you are still No. 1 in their life?

It’s a tough call, right?

And then if it happens under either scenario can you ever really trust them again?

First, ask yourself who this cheater is:

1) The hardcore cheater will always cheat. It’s what they are into. It’s what turns them on. It’s what makes them feel alive and provides them with an escape from the dull routine of reality. You can’t ever trust this person sexually.

2) The one-off cheater is a little different. They’ve either been thrown into a situation that just about anyone would have a problem saying “No” to (for me it would be the original Charlie’s Angels cast popping up in prime form on my front door). It’s a toss up here. How many times are they going to accidentally find themself judging a sorority pledge class popsicle sucking contest?

3) Then there is the “fell in love” cheater. Through no fault of their own, they’ve stumbled across someone else. Love happens. You probably can’t trust this person, but you will also probably never catch them cheating because if they love you too, then you will never find out and you will never notice a difference in their behaviour. You also need to recognize that you’ve probably failed as a partner and taken them for granted and gotten so damn lazy that they are moving on.

Cheating or Not?
Tantric Sex is more religion than love making, right?

So where are we now, at the end of this rambling mess of a blog post that I never should have started but will definitely finish?

In honor of fucked up romantics everywhere let’s do a Jerry Springer style “Lazlo’s Thought”….

(make sure you read this in a hokey fashion. Try to ignore the fact some white trash just stripped naked and beat the crap out of each other for your amusement. Make sure you sound equal parts “wise sage” and “holier than thou”)

Lazlo’s Thoughts:

“Can you ever trust a cheater? Yes, you can. You can trust them to stray. To find love elsewhere. To become bored easily. But if you try to trust them to stay true and faithful you are only cheating yourself. I think it’s best to recognize the cheater for who they are and what they will do. They will never be monogamous but that doesn’t mean that they can’t be a friend when you need one.

And please remember, if you are demanding perfection from your mate, perhaps you should make sure that you reach perfectionas a person first. Take care.”