Category Archives: All Work and No Play

Theo finds God, Jessie finds Extortion

So my mild bout with depression following my mother’s death back in January seems to have subsided.

There’s been a lot of shit going on at the house so let me update you quickly…

Jessie, who I’m being paid to usher through college, made it through another semester. I was positive she was going to fail business calculus (I told her not to take it) but she found a way.

Her “way” being blowing her very married professor. I know what you are thinking, “having sex with your college professor is not a good thing to do.”

But she didn’t just suck his dick for a “C” at end of the semester. She filmed herself sucking his dick, dressed as a girl scout, calling him “daddy” and then black mailed him into an “A” in under a week.

I was so proud of her.

Theo is off the whole Native American kick. He’s now trying to start his own religion “Rasta Catholicism.” This means instead of dumbass stoner comments about the Earth Mother and white bisons he’s trying to perform some sort of exorcism on the house cause it’s obviously filled with demons.

I thought it was fad but when he changed his World of Warcraft character from a barbarian to a cleric I knew this latest bit of retardation would be around for awhile.

Ted and Jackie? I don’t see them much at all. Stephanie, my crime fighting hot bodied girlfriend (jealous much?) still talks to Jackie. Apparently Ted is in therapy for his “alcohol induced gayness” last October at the Halloween swinger party.

He claims it was a one time thing but we all know putting a penis in your mouth is a road you either walk or avoid at all costs.

Stephanie has been a dream (sometimes a really dirty dream).

Seriously, any chic that can deal with my shit and still smile is a total keeper.

She totally surprised me last month. She said she wanted to try hitting some tennis balls around.

I was dreading it because playing with a newbie is a hassle. We headed over to the courts. She was looking extra devilish in her LaCoste tennis dress.

And then…

She whipped my ass!

The little kitten had been taking lessons on the sly.

That’s true love. That’s rock and roll. That’s the best ever.

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Tom and his 12 step farce

After his drunken nightmare at the Halloween party, Jackie told him if he didn’t start going to Alcholics Anonymous that she would dump him.

Jackie is accepting his attendance at a weekly AA session held at “The Sacred Virgin’s Bleeding Eyes Catholic Church” as some sort of personal triumph.

I was sitting at home last Tuesday when my phone rang.

“This is Tom.”

“Hello Tom. How are you?”

“Uh, not good. Can you meet me at the Starbucks over by the River Oaks Theater?”

“Which one? There are two over there across the street from each other.”

“The one on the north side.”

“I don’t know… I like the one on the south side better.”

“Shit. I don’t care. Just meet me. I’m fucking desperate.”

Now there are times in my life when I dutifully go and help someone in need, no matter how self induced their problems might be.

But we are talking about Tom here. So I had no interest in really helping but then again… the comedy potential was too great not to meet him.

So here’s Tom. He’s wearing a fedora and an over coat. It’s 80-plus degrees out so, yah, he looks like a flasher and he’s giving the regular customers a creepy vibe.

I sat down, placed my phone on the table and turned on the voice memo function. The following is the actual conversation:

Me: So what’s with the outfit?

Tom: (looks around nervously) I can’t be seen here.

Me: You aren’t allowed in Starbucks?

Tom: No… I’m suppose to be some where.

Me: Where?

Tom: At an AA meeting (looks sort of shameful)

Me: Um… Okay. But you wanted to see me instead for some reason.

Tom: Yah… Look… I’m not an alcoholic. I made that shit up for Jackie.

Me: Okay. How do I know that you aren’t just in denial. I mean, don’t all alcoholics say they are NOT alcoholics?

Tom: I’m not! (yeliing, contains himself, looks around to see everyone staring at him)

Me: Hey, the last time I saw you… You were so drunk that you gave a guy a blow job. If that’s not a “problem” then I don’t know what is.

Tom: That was an accident.

(I start laughing hysterically)

Tom: Stop it. I’m not gay. It just happened.

(I laugh even harder)

Tom: Shhhhh. Listen to me. I need your help. If you still like Jackie at all, you will help my ass out.

Me: So start at the beginning.

Then Tom launched into this long story. While he likes to drink, he tends to drink more when he’s around Jackie. Why? Well, he’s self medicating a premature ejaculation situation.

Me: That’s so stupid it’s almost genius.

Tom: I know, right.

Me: Why didn’t you just beat off before seeing her?

Tom: Lazlo, the Bible says that’s a sin.

I went ahead and let that bit of lunacy slide. You can only fight so many battles at once.

Tom continued to explain that Jackie got mad at him one night about drinking so much. Instead of confessing his lack of wang endurance, he vaguely said “I got this problem and I need help.”

Jackie naturally assumed he meant “drinking problem” and then the lie began.

Me: Seriously, I think that’s fucked up that you let her think you’re an alcoholic.

Tom: Yes and no. I mean. She suddenly became so much nicer. If I did something stupid like forget we had plans she’s let it slide. If I was an asshole I could just pretend like I needed a drink. Instead of the fight escalating she’d give me a blow job or something.

Me: So she’s been tied up emotionally trying to make you happy so you won’t drink?

Tom: Yes.

Me: You are a dick.

Tom: I know. So how do I get out of this.

Me: You don’t. You are now going to be sober for the rest of the time you are with her. Frankly, I’ve never seen you sober so you probabably are an alcoholic.

Tom: What? No. That won’t work.

Me: Well, if you can’t stop drinking you are an alcoholic. If you won’t stop drinking for her, then you are an asshole. So make your choice. Quit drinking or quit Jackie.

Tom: I thought you’d help me.

Me: I am helping you. Get this straight… I love Jackie on all sorts of different and complicated levels. I only tolerate you because she says you make her happy. You will stay on this stupid course you set. I’m not going to tell her about what you’ve told me because she’s really happy that you are working on this.
Good luck on your 12-steps.

And I left him sitting there.

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The December Update

So I got a note from one reader asking for an update on Jessie, Theo, Jackie, Tom and Stephanie…

Jessie: She’s gotten heavily into her Women’s Studies class. She hasn’t gone all “Cock man oppressor” nor stopped shaving her legs but she has become a militant nudist around the house.

You’d think having an attractive girl hanging out naked all day would be cool. It ain’t.

After a super unusual stain was found on the couch I convinced her that being topless was all the “freedom” I could stand.

Theo: So the tee-pee he was living in blew over in a rain storm. Jessie and I filmed him trying to set it back up in the dead of night, in his loin cloth and coated in mud. Look for it on YouTube.

After several failed attempts he tried to move back in the garage.

“Theo, I’d let you move into the garage but, honestly, if you give up now you are spitting on graves of all those native Americans.”

So he took shelter in the back of my truck with a piece of tarp stretched over the top.

Yes, that resulted in another note from the home owners association.

Stephanie: She was surprisingly cool about Jessie hanging out naked all the time. Her vigilante crime fighting has slowed some. She is blaming me for that.

“It’s hard having a boyfriend AND being a super hero.”

Luckily she’s more into sex than cracking skulls.

Jackie: So she stopped being mad at me regarding Tom’s self destruction at the Halloween swinger’s party. She’s still friendly with Stephanie but I get this weird jealous vibe from her sometimes.

I’m thinking… maybe she’s wanting some Lazlo?

Tom: HOLY SHIT HE IS AWESOME

This dude could be a blog all by himself.

Stay tuned…

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