I’ve done it myself before. I’ve read myself into another person’s deep ramblings, for better or worse. And, well, let’s face it… It’s normally for the worst.

But then sometimes, someone special and brilliant comes along and they help you, the writer, make sense of your own strange brain and those moments are… delicious.

Yesterday I had this exchange regarding my “dream” post with a friend and it felt so good that I need to share it.

Her: Hey

Her: You’ve been dismissed

Then there was a long discussion about her own loss.

Then we talked about finding “true love” and how girls will sometimes end things to “preserve” the friendship. Which, I don’t care, is still the most retarded chic move ever.

How the joy of being near someone can come with the terrible pain of being alone.

There was talk of sacrificing your own happiness for someone else and how that basically sucks ass (that’s a technical term).

And, eventually, I forgave her for loving mushrooms and hating pickles because no one can be perfect.

That’s all.

You were living in this huge antebellum mansion located along a bayou.

It was raining hard. All of the doors and windows were open and the intermittent gusts of wind would blow a sheet of water inside.

You let me in. We drank gin martinis. You looked gorgeous. The beautiful words just rolled off your tongue and your voice was soft and tranquil.

You declared it was time to close the windows and doors. I followed you from room to room, listening to you talk, watching your body glide across the old wood floors.

And there was this subtle fear inside of me. This fear that would stop and I’d have to leave.

You finally settled into a floral couch and with a waive of your hand told me to go. As I walked down the path that led me to your house, behind me I heard the sound of heavy locks being engaged.

I could feel the lights in the old house shutting down. I was left in the dark, alone.

Then it was over and I woke up and it bothered me all day.

I think its because when my mom died she made the same hand motion on her last conscious day, telling me to go home.

Then it was a long month before she was gone.

But I don’t know…

Yer the smart one in this friendship

But it’s good advice, you know?

Don’t lose your head. Stay calm. Work out any snafus. Remember who loves you and why.

Why I Can’t Sleep Tonight

I have to disagree.

I’ve had a lot of “falling apart” episodes over the last year. When I fall apart, that means tears. The tears bring with them snot. And, so, the best place to fall apart is in the shower cause it helps wash the snot and shame of being retarded right down the drain.

The car is a good place too. Just make sure you have sun glasses.

Anyway…

This quote is crappy because it has nothing to do with not being to sleep.

Me? I know all about not sleeping. If I can go another 3 hours it will 72 with out sleep. Not too shabby for a sober guy.

The key, you see, is to have something running through your mind.

I’ve been thinking about friendship.

What is a friend? Why are they important? Why do some people promise to be there but then simply drift away?

Just like a shadow…

When it’s bright and sunny out that shadow skips along with you with a fetching allure.

But then… When the lights go out and it’s dark they disappear while you stumble around like a monkey on a bourbon bender, scared and all alone.

A long time ago when I was in a different state of mind, I had a friend that meant everything to me. I would have done anything for them. I told them things I was scared to even admit to myself.

They started to drift away one day. Slowly at first and then it picked up steam to the point that this person I trusted was suddenly like a stranger.

Like a fool I asked them to stop, turnaround and come back…

They said something about California, life moving forward and physically being there just not mattering. They also said something about the Easter Bunny not being real. Which was just fucking cruel.

It’s okay. The lesson was learned. Forever is pretty short. Don’t trust whitey. Some people just don’t want the same things. And if they don’t care then you got to move on.

So that’s been keeping me up.

And making me fall apart.

It was nice for awhile. I’d be lying if I didn’t say so.

- Second to a Shrub in Oregon

Abby says:

While tending to the yard and the garden may be necessary, it is also very important for your husband to devote some time to nurturing his relationship with his daughter.

Mention that to him, and while you’re at it, tell him she should be at least as important to him as the tomato plants and the zinnias.

You should not be saddled with all the child-care responsibilities 24/7. Marriages are like gardens. If they’re not given care and feeding, they will wither as yours appears to be doing.

Lazlo says:

Okay, I’m focusing on these two lines: “I dislike yard work and don’t like being outside unless I am completely comfortable. I also have health issues that keep me from being as active as I would like.”

These tell me everything I need to know. Your are super fat and he can’t stand looking at you. Try weight watchers, tubby.

Our problem is, my husband seems to be intimidated by my sexuality. In the past, I have told my husband what pleases me. My comments made him feel inadequate, and he has completely given up. We haven’t had sex in two years. He says he would rather pleasure himself so he doesn’t have to worry that he isn’t “doing it right.”

I am a normal, red-blooded woman, and I need sex several times a month. Is that so wrong? I have resorted to having an affair with a man whose wife isn’t interested in sex, but I would prefer having a sex life with my husband.

I think my husband knows I am unfaithful. However, he accepts it because it’s easier for him to deal with than having sex with me. Is there anything I can do to make my husband try again?

- DESPARATELY SEEKING SEX

Abby says:

Having affairs may temporarily satisfy your sexual needs, but it can only damage your marriage further. If ever there were candidates who could benefit from sex therapy, it is you and your husband. Even though he may be reluctant to face this problem, insist that he see a therapist with you. Please don’t wait — it could save your marriage.

Lazlo says:

Send me an email and your picture and maybe I’ll come give you some private therapy sessions. What is it your husband will not do? I’m thinking it’s either choking or ass play or maybe some light bondage…

Oh, yah, sex “several times a month” is not much. I think I can fit you into my slut schedule.

Honestly, it was a gut wrenching experience. I chickened out three times during the day and finally just went ahead and pulled the trigger. I agonized over deleting the application icon on my phone. I eventually decided to hide it on the screen.

I really like Twitter.

I like having a place to throw out my random ideas. Some of them are crass. Some of them are clever. Some of them are heart breaking. Some of them are just crappy.

There are a lot of people I love on Twitter too. But you never really know them and the odds against you ever meeting them are high.

“Just be casual friends with a couple of people,” I was told three weeks ago. “But don’t really hope for anything more. It will never work.”

So why did I delete my account?

It’s complicated.

But I guess, in the end, I quit for the same reason I joined.

I only joined Twitter to talk to my friend.

Things are different now between us. They aren’t bad or poisonous but they are different enough that just going on there makes me sad. Honestly, I think this makes her happier any way.

I’m tired of being sad.

I’m tired of helping other people. I’m tired of caring.

Besides, I don’t feel like sharing with everyone any more.

So that’s why I quit.

I have 30 days to change my mind and breathe life into my account again.

Maybe I’ll feel better by then. I really don’t know.

UPDATE: I was told I was being stupid so I’m back now

When the doctor gives you 6 months to live, they really mean it.

When people say they are “there for you” what they really mean is “as long as it’s convenient and it doesn’t require any effort.”

Forever is a joke. People die. Friends slide away. You can’t stop this from happening even though you try as hard as you can.

Try not to trust anyone. Why? Because the closer you are to someone the more likely they are to hurt you.

It’s okay to be alone in this world.

People will say that they care but what most people really mean is they care that you have something to give to them. When you start running on fumes, they will generally move on.

True love asks absolutely nothing of you except that you.

When someone says “I don’t want to share you” it means so much more than that.

Being angry is a waste of energy.

No amount of love will ever make someone stop loving their addiction more than you.

Suicide is never an option.

Some people only like you because you adore them.

Actions speak louder than words, always.

When things get hard and ugly, most people duck for cover. I am not most people.

Lumen Others are real, they exist and I’m thankful it found me just as I gave up looking.

- Hopeless and Loveless

Abby says:

Dry your tears and take advantage of this learning experience. We have all had them. If you are smart – and I think you are – you will not reveal that it was you who put the picture on the locker. The boy is already involved with someone and his girlfriend will regard you as an enemy. If and when they break up – as so many teen romances do – you can decide THEN whether to express your feelings. But if you do, please do it in person.

Lazlo says:

I wrote this letter to you over 20-years ago and you’re just now answering? Of course I switched the genders out just to be safe but you know what?

Fuck you Abby. Thanks for taking so long to advise me.

Here’s an update: Yah, I’m still a stalker except now we just call it “Twitter Elite”.

And guess what Abby? All the best people tend to have someone they are seeing. The key is to know how to butt in and make them see why you are the better option.

Dear Steve and Mia: I was recently introduced to a single man at a party and we hit it off. We have a lot in common and he has a great sense of humor.

There is one thing that gives me pause, however. He’s a gynecologist. I’m probably just imagining things, but would that affect our sex life?

And because his job involves only women, would he be more prone to having affairs?

- Gyno’s Gal

Steve says:

My God, woman, he’s a doctor. Even if he did have affairs, you could score a nice divorce settlement.

As for your sex life, he probably has an excellent understanding of female mechanics, but sex is 10 percent mechanics and 90 percent mental. Thus, his occupation has little bearing and you needn’t be worried about it.

Mia says:

Not that I’ve had sex with a bunch of M.D.s, but I’d imagine that this doc’s sexual prowess has little to do with his specialization (surely some urologists are good in the sack, and some anesthesiologists are terrible, right?) – or his propensity to cheat.

Lazlo says:

Who the fuck are “Steve and Mia” and why are they trying to hand out advice?

Dear Steve and Mia: Leave this advice giving business to the pros like me. It’s hard thankless work and you are both unqualified.

Dear Gyno’s Gal: Just make sure he washes his hands really well before touching you. Why? Because most women only go to the gyno if they are having a “problem” down there.

Hell, the whole gyno group got together and made up the “well woman exam” just cause they got tired of seeing jacked up snatch all day.

Instead of worrying about cheating or his prowess in bed think about this instead…

Doctors are NOT rich anymore. Most are swimming in debt and horrible at money management. I would suggest finding a nice banker or some fuck knob like… me.

Why me? I’m loyal as hell and I got no other options. I’ve also seen a lot of lady caves in my day and they have all been disease free before AND after we parted ways.

Here’s an excerpt:

600 people reached the top of Mt. Everest in 2012. This blog got about 2,000 views in 2012. If every person who reached the top of Mt. Everest viewed this blog, it would have taken 3 years to get that many views.

Click here to see the complete report.