Tag Archives: lazlo files

I Love Your Sick Minds

The world is a sick and twisted place and if you happen to be reading this blog, you’re sick and twisted too and, well, I love you for it.

As my dear friend likes to say, “Everybody has their thing.”

And it’s true (she’s simply right about so many things).

Everyone of us has some sort of special something that helps flip our switch from “off” to “on” at the end of the day.

In the spirit of full disclosure here is quick run down of my “things” that I dig.

1) Women. I know, call me old fashioned but I’m just a simple dude that prefers having sex with natural born females. It helps if they are sort of around my own age.

2) Brains. Not in a zombie sort of way but in a “you’re smart and you think and I can learn things from you and you might challenge me to think differently or see something in a new light and that’s something that I want and as a special sign of my appreciation I’m now going to fuck you until your body is twitching and you’re seeing stars.” If you aren’t into learning and challenging yourself and improving… Yah, no Lazlo wang for you.

3) Soul. I don’t care if you go to church or anything (just please don’t be into something retarded) but I do care about your heart and your essence. Are you the type of person that takes in an abandoned dog (hot) or are you the type of person that buys some dog because you’re lonely and then forgets all about it and eventually sends it to the pound because you can’t be bothered to care for a living thing with needs (not hot).

4) Creativity. The girl who is into photography or trying to be clever or writing or cooking or painting or anything that lets her express herself is a sexy girl. And you know why, right? Because creative minds don’t stop being creative and that creavity is simply fantastic when it comes to playing bouncey bed.

Yah, there are some other things…

Love the smell of suntan lotion and beer breath.
Nothing wrong with role play.
Heavy flirting.
Breasts of all sizes and nipples of all shapes.
Unexpected naughtiness.
Oral.
Maybe a little power exchange.
Bringing anything batter power operated into the equation is always good cause I like to play with toys too and when she shares, she cares.
Lots of talking at all different volume levels.
Tan lines (I don’t know why).
Really good lipstick.
The eternal question: Who is your daddy?
When you don’t take them all the way off. Maybe just pushed to the side.
That slow tease that makes them beg for it and when they can’t stand it any longer you slowly…

Shit, I gotta stop now cause I’m totally off task here.

The whole point of this blog is to get into the fact that the world is sick and twisted and people are out there doing things you’ve never thought would be a turn on. But because I’m into knowledge and sharing I’ve put a little list together for you.

Enjoy.

Teddy Bear Play –

I know this girl. This girl is really into Teddy Bear Play. I didn’t even know what it was until she mentioned it.

Basically, the guy goes out and buys a brown sweater that makes him look like a teddy bear. She will INSTANTLY fall into a deep state of lust. Seriously, be careful. Girls have been known to do horrible sexual things to a man simply because of his teddy bear brown sweater.

Dog Play –

No, I’m not talking about people treating people like dogs (some do that too). I’m not talking about dressing up like a dog (some do that too). “Dog Play” is when you get a dog. You put the leash on the dog. You walk it around the neighborhood. Then, when Fido can’t stand it any longer, you let your dog take a big crap in the yard of some total asshole neighbor that you can’t stand.

The satisfaction of knowing your dog just defiled their manicured yard is, for some, better than sex.

There’s also an angle to this where you take your dog to a public place and realize you have the only dog that is worth a damn and the rest of the dogs are out of control and sort of ugly and, man, don’t you feel good about yourself? Let’s fuck.

Smoke Play –

I didn’t even know this was a thing until a couple of months ago. I had been standing next to the BBQ pit for at least 6 hours straight. Naturally, I finally run out of beer. I drove up to the liquor store to enlist a new 12-pack of soldiers when some saleswoman comes up to me.

“You smell intoxicating.”

Granted, at first I thought she said “You smell intoxicated” so I had a moment of “she’s going to deny my purchase panic” but her eyes were dillated and she was clearly biting her lip.

“Pardon?”

“You smell so good. Have you been burning something?”

“Oh… yah, I’m smoking a brisket.”

I wander off, thinking about how I hadn’t showered all day and how jacked up that conversation was when I had a second exchange with another woman who said almost exactly the same thing.

Then it happened a third time and when I checked out all three ladies were standing there talking about how I smelled.

Finally one of them said, “I think it’s something primal.”

I left with my 12 pack of Pearl Light, slightly disturbed and wondering if I should start dabbing a little liquid smoke behind my ears.

Lint Play –

Come on, what’s better than a little navel gazing? Oh yah, looking down there and finding half a sweater just waiting for you to pull it out. Such a sense of accomplishment.

Pottery Play –

You put her in the car. You hand her your credit card. You drive her to Pottery Barn. You tell her, “Anything you want.”

Yah, she’ll orgasm right there in the door way. I’ve seen it. I loved it.

Fuzz Play –

Don’t get this confused with Lint Play. Fuzz Play is totally different.

Fuzz Play is when you go to meet a girl on the tennis court. She’s in her short skirt. Her legs look insane. Her body is tight. She knows you’re looking. She is purposely trying to use her body to distract you and throw you off your game.

You’re trying to ignore her. This makes her work even harder at making you pay attention.

Before you know it, you are on your back on the service line and she’s riding you like a pony and suddenly the “love” score in tennis has a whole new meaning and, wow, what a work out and when you’re done she’s introducing herself as Mrs. SharaGusto and her Russian accent has this Texas Twang…

Lord have mercy! I can’t help it.

My name is Lazlo Gusto and I’m a sick freak that loves him some Fuzz Play!

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In Lazlo We Trust

“All trust involves vulnerability and risk, and nothing would count as trust if there were no possibility of betrayal.” Robert C. Solomon

I think I was 7-years-old.

My father took me outside. He said he wanted to teach me about trust and had me climb to the top of a 6-foot ladder.

“Jump to me. I’ll catch you.”

I was scared shitless but jumped to him any way.

He ducked out of the way and I landed face first in a pile of dog shit.

Quite a lesson in trusting people…

And, of course, if you believe my father did that to me, you have also learned a lesson in trusting people.

I was always a fairly trusting person. I think this changed for me when I started being able to detect hypocrisy and how rampant it was among some adults I knew. Teachers, in general, that treated and disciplined classmates with a wide range of responses come to mind the most.

And then there is my professional problem. It sucks being a journalist.

For the last 16 years I’ve dealt with nothing but liars and people who were trying to “game” me into seeing their way. So many people I’ve come to like and trust suddenly turn out to be rotten to the core.

So why should I trust anyone at all?

“You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don’t trust enough.” Frank Crane

It is really hard in my personal relationships.

I’ve generally thinned the “close friends” down to just a handful. There are lots of acquaintances but even among my closest friends there are certain things I don’t share.

I never talk about my fears.
I never talk about my disappointments.
I never talk about my secrets.
I never talk about what I want really want.

It’s because letting that information out is dangerous stuff. It can be used against you.

What typically happens is a friend tells a mutual friend they think you also trust. That friend tells someone they think they can trust. That person then tells someone who doesn’t give a shit and soon everyone knows.

So for most of my adult life there have been only three guys and one girl that basically knew more than they should.

The group recently got a little larger and, honestly, it scares the crap out me — all the time. I keep thinking I fucked up letting them know all of this stuff. I just know in the back of my head that I’m going to get burned and it will probably happen when I’m already at my most vulnerable state. Bad things tend to pile up, you know?

“We’re never so vulnerable than when we trust someone – but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy.” Walter Anderson

All right, so what are the Lazlo guidelines to trusting people?

1) Try not to be romantically involved with them. You don’t want to have both your heart trashed and your secrets spilled at the same time.

2) Be very clear about what they can’t share. Let them know early on that the words “I will kill you with a spork if you tell anyone” literally means that you will “kill them with a spork.”

3) Don’t sweat the small stuff. We’re not talking about not calling you back immediately to chat about some usual daily bull shit here. We’re talking about “they will sneak into Afghanistan, go full Rambo and save your ass” super trust. You can still get pissy about them being late all the time or always having the strange micro beer at their house.

4) If you want to be trusted, you better be trustworthy yourself. This means you WILL sweat all of the small stuff (being on time, helping like you said you would, etc). You will also lie to your spouse, your children and to God himself to protect every little detail your friend has shared. You will know you are worthy of being trusted when you realize you have collected more bone breaking secrets about other people than yourself.

That’s really it. This was suppose to be funny but got I little side tracked here.

The next blog will be funny, trust me.

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Ramblers Gotta Ramble

So I’m making a few changes around here.

Step one? The picture at the top has changed. I was going to change the whole site and make it super cool like http://suburbanfringe.com (my current obsession) but I think that requires me spending money and while I’m jealous as hell of her site and her wit…

I’m a huge tight wad.

Speaking of jealousy, I’ve come to a conclusion on that word and, since I’m in a giving mood, I will drop my knowledge down upon you like Hacksaw Jim Duggan coming off the top of the turn buckle.

Wikipedia says: Jealousy is an emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, particularly in reference to a human connection.

But we all know Wikipedia is updated constantly by a bunch of no-good beatniks so who is really going to trust it?

Yah, I’ll admit it. Like John Lennon said, “I’m just a jealous guy” and I happen to think that’s a good thing.

If you love someone with everything you have and are constantly slapped in the face with the fact that, well, they aren’t feeling the same way or they aren’t going to be as loyal or maybe they just would rather do something or someone else 88.8% of the time…

Be jealous. It’s okay. It’s not your fault. It’s their fault for being so stubborn, rude, pre-occupied, indifferent, uncaring, inhuman, busy, not-that-into-you, unconscious, dying from a horrible disease, trying to concentrate, reading a book, not having a charged cell phone…

Wait, hold on.

Actually, it is your fault for being jealous. You know why? Because you have an option, a trump card if you will, of simply not caring.

So that’s where I’m going with this.

From now on, I’m simply not caring.

It’s hotter than hell. So what.
I’m dead broke. So what.
She’s driving me crazy. So what.
My left leg is on fire. So what.
I’ll never see her again. So what.
I think that’s an E minor and not an E major chord. So what.
Something has to change. So what.

Fuck. No. I’m back-tracking here.

Yes, something does have to change.

It will change.

Starting right NOW the change is coming.

I’m a rambler and ramblers gotta ramble.

That’s where I’m really going with this.

You see, sometimes, your best just ain’t good enough. You have to realize when you hit that wall face first for the 4th or 5th time that it’s time to move along.

You tried hard. No one tried harder. Somethings just don’t work out like you wanted.

That’s when you change and, hopefully, change for the better.

Ramble on, ramblers…

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