The world is a sick and twisted place and if you happen to be reading this blog, you’re sick and twisted too and, well, I love you for it.
As my dear friend likes to say, “Everybody has their thing.”
And it’s true (she’s simply right about so many things).
Everyone of us has some sort of special something that helps flip our switch from “off” to “on” at the end of the day.
In the spirit of full disclosure here is quick run down of my “things” that I dig.
1) Women. I know, call me old fashioned but I’m just a simple dude that prefers having sex with natural born females. It helps if they are sort of around my own age.
2) Brains. Not in a zombie sort of way but in a “you’re smart and you think and I can learn things from you and you might challenge me to think differently or see something in a new light and that’s something that I want and as a special sign of my appreciation I’m now going to fuck you until your body is twitching and you’re seeing stars.” If you aren’t into learning and challenging yourself and improving… Yah, no Lazlo wang for you.
3) Soul. I don’t care if you go to church or anything (just please don’t be into something retarded) but I do care about your heart and your essence. Are you the type of person that takes in an abandoned dog (hot) or are you the type of person that buys some dog because you’re lonely and then forgets all about it and eventually sends it to the pound because you can’t be bothered to care for a living thing with needs (not hot).
4) Creativity. The girl who is into photography or trying to be clever or writing or cooking or painting or anything that lets her express herself is a sexy girl. And you know why, right? Because creative minds don’t stop being creative and that creavity is simply fantastic when it comes to playing bouncey bed.
Yah, there are some other things…
Love the smell of suntan lotion and beer breath.
Nothing wrong with role play.
Breasts of all sizes and nipples of all shapes.
Maybe a little power exchange.
Bringing anything batter power operated into the equation is always good cause I like to play with toys too and when she shares, she cares.
Lots of talking at all different volume levels.
Tan lines (I don’t know why).
Really good lipstick.
The eternal question: Who is your daddy?
When you don’t take them all the way off. Maybe just pushed to the side.
That slow tease that makes them beg for it and when they can’t stand it any longer you slowly…
Shit, I gotta stop now cause I’m totally off task here.
The whole point of this blog is to get into the fact that the world is sick and twisted and people are out there doing things you’ve never thought would be a turn on. But because I’m into knowledge and sharing I’ve put a little list together for you.
Teddy Bear Play –
I know this girl. This girl is really into Teddy Bear Play. I didn’t even know what it was until she mentioned it.
Basically, the guy goes out and buys a brown sweater that makes him look like a teddy bear. She will INSTANTLY fall into a deep state of lust. Seriously, be careful. Girls have been known to do horrible sexual things to a man simply because of his teddy bear brown sweater.
Dog Play –
No, I’m not talking about people treating people like dogs (some do that too). I’m not talking about dressing up like a dog (some do that too). “Dog Play” is when you get a dog. You put the leash on the dog. You walk it around the neighborhood. Then, when Fido can’t stand it any longer, you let your dog take a big crap in the yard of some total asshole neighbor that you can’t stand.
The satisfaction of knowing your dog just defiled their manicured yard is, for some, better than sex.
There’s also an angle to this where you take your dog to a public place and realize you have the only dog that is worth a damn and the rest of the dogs are out of control and sort of ugly and, man, don’t you feel good about yourself? Let’s fuck.
Smoke Play –
I didn’t even know this was a thing until a couple of months ago. I had been standing next to the BBQ pit for at least 6 hours straight. Naturally, I finally run out of beer. I drove up to the liquor store to enlist a new 12-pack of soldiers when some saleswoman comes up to me.
“You smell intoxicating.”
Granted, at first I thought she said “You smell intoxicated” so I had a moment of “she’s going to deny my purchase panic” but her eyes were dillated and she was clearly biting her lip.
“You smell so good. Have you been burning something?”
“Oh… yah, I’m smoking a brisket.”
I wander off, thinking about how I hadn’t showered all day and how jacked up that conversation was when I had a second exchange with another woman who said almost exactly the same thing.
Then it happened a third time and when I checked out all three ladies were standing there talking about how I smelled.
Finally one of them said, “I think it’s something primal.”
I left with my 12 pack of Pearl Light, slightly disturbed and wondering if I should start dabbing a little liquid smoke behind my ears.
Lint Play –
Come on, what’s better than a little navel gazing? Oh yah, looking down there and finding half a sweater just waiting for you to pull it out. Such a sense of accomplishment.
Pottery Play –
You put her in the car. You hand her your credit card. You drive her to Pottery Barn. You tell her, “Anything you want.”
Yah, she’ll orgasm right there in the door way. I’ve seen it. I loved it.
Fuzz Play –
Don’t get this confused with Lint Play. Fuzz Play is totally different.
Fuzz Play is when you go to meet a girl on the tennis court. She’s in her short skirt. Her legs look insane. Her body is tight. She knows you’re looking. She is purposely trying to use her body to distract you and throw you off your game.
You’re trying to ignore her. This makes her work even harder at making you pay attention.
Before you know it, you are on your back on the service line and she’s riding you like a pony and suddenly the “love” score in tennis has a whole new meaning and, wow, what a work out and when you’re done she’s introducing herself as Mrs. SharaGusto and her Russian accent has this Texas Twang…
Lord have mercy! I can’t help it.
My name is Lazlo Gusto and I’m a sick freak that loves him some Fuzz Play!