Tag Archives: swinging

Yer Cheating Heart

Cheating or Not?
You were only holding hands in a park, with your pants off

Back on Twitter, which, actually, is a lot more like real life than anything else on the interwebs, I got thrown into a cheating debate a couple months back.

It started when someone’s someone went off to a strip club for the night and never came home.

One side said strip clubs aren’t cheating, the other side said they are.

But let’s face it, if the person you love is not coming home as expected something is wrong and damaged.

I don’t really understand why when someone is in a monogamous relationship and they have sexy time with someone else it is called “cheating.” It’s more like “promise breaking” or “lieing like a rug.”

Cheating or Not?
When you tell a friend you’ll do anything for them, you gotta follow through with the promise

What really confuses the hell out of me is the new phenom known as having an “emotional affair.” Seriously, last time I checked that’s called being friends.

So your friend happens to be of another gender. So your friend happens to look good. So your friend happens to know things your significant other doesn’t know. What’s the big deal?

I mean, do you really want to know EVERYTHING your mate is thinking about anyway?

In my opinion, a really strong relationship is built on love and trust with sprinkles of white lies tossed in to keep the magic glowing.

We tell them all the time:

“No, you can barely see that zit on your chin.”

“I’m sure you will win next time.”

“Wow, this is delicious.”

“I want to do whatever you want today.”

If this good friend, who happens to be attractive through no fault of their own, also happens to be the same person that you have an easier time being honest with about your worries, fears and hopes…

I don’t see a problem there if you aren’t getting physical.

Cheating or Not?
Because “No” is such an ugly word

If your partner does stray how would you like it to happen?

Do you want them to go out, drink a little too much and “accidentally” bump uglies with a stranger next to a dumpster behind the bar?

Is it better if it’s someone they know and trust and maybe their is some sort of connection on some level but you are still No. 1 in their life?

It’s a tough call, right?

And then if it happens under either scenario can you ever really trust them again?

First, ask yourself who this cheater is:

1) The hardcore cheater will always cheat. It’s what they are into. It’s what turns them on. It’s what makes them feel alive and provides them with an escape from the dull routine of reality. You can’t ever trust this person sexually.

2) The one-off cheater is a little different. They’ve either been thrown into a situation that just about anyone would have a problem saying “No” to (for me it would be the original Charlie’s Angels cast popping up in prime form on my front door). It’s a toss up here. How many times are they going to accidentally find themself judging a sorority pledge class popsicle sucking contest?

3) Then there is the “fell in love” cheater. Through no fault of their own, they’ve stumbled across someone else. Love happens. You probably can’t trust this person, but you will also probably never catch them cheating because if they love you too, then you will never find out and you will never notice a difference in their behaviour. You also need to recognize that you’ve probably failed as a partner and taken them for granted and gotten so damn lazy that they are moving on.

Cheating or Not?
Tantric Sex is more religion than love making, right?

So where are we now, at the end of this rambling mess of a blog post that I never should have started but will definitely finish?

In honor of fucked up romantics everywhere let’s do a Jerry Springer style “Lazlo’s Thought”….

(make sure you read this in a hokey fashion. Try to ignore the fact some white trash just stripped naked and beat the crap out of each other for your amusement. Make sure you sound equal parts “wise sage” and “holier than thou”)

Lazlo’s Thoughts:

“Can you ever trust a cheater? Yes, you can. You can trust them to stray. To find love elsewhere. To become bored easily. But if you try to trust them to stay true and faithful you are only cheating yourself. I think it’s best to recognize the cheater for who they are and what they will do. They will never be monogamous but that doesn’t mean that they can’t be a friend when you need one.

And please remember, if you are demanding perfection from your mate, perhaps you should make sure that you reach perfectionas a person first. Take care.”

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Screwed On All Fronts

As a guy, I’ve probably spent 90 percent of my post puberty time trying to get laid. I’m not sure if it’s the same for girls.

I don’t really care either. I take that back. I do care. If you are a girl that spends 90 percent of your time trying to get laid, send me an email IMMEDIATELY. I want to help you complete your quest.

Okay, stay focused…

Yeah, so, as a guy I’ve spent a lot of time trying to meet women who might let me put my boy parts in their girl parts. I’m not sure if any readers have ever done this but it feels slimy in a good way.

So when I woke up naked in my bed with Jessie’s leg wrapped around my leg I was basically thrown into anguish on two fronts.

1) I couldn’t remember a single thing. I mean, I’m naked. She’s in a pair of panties and my Strokes t-shirt. So… we had sex or something, right? If I get to get all bouncy-bouncy with a lady, I want to remember every single good, bad and ugly detail.

2) All I had to do was follow two rules to keep Jackie happy. She didn’t want me messing around with her former pledge sister that I once boned in college (not a problem cause according to her Facebook profile pic she’s gotten really fat and puts on her make up with a can of spray paint). She also said I couldn’t sleep with Jessie cause as her private and now live in tutor it would be wrong. She also said it was my duty to act as some sort of “moral compass.” She implied that doing this would make me noble or something.

And if I violated that rules?

“I will never talk to you again, ever. Anything that we have now or may have in the future will be over. Do you understand me?”

“Yes, Jackie,” I said at the time. “I will never do that. I am not even interested in them. But, now, knowing that it would cause you pain… I will never hurt you Jackie. This thing, you and me, this is forever.”

Fuck me.

The really awkward part about the next morning was Jessie suddenly fawning all over me like I was a new puppy. She came by and rubbed my shoulders while I was making coffee. She kept doing this goofy shy “I got a secret” smile at me during breakfast. She came up behind me and gave me a huge hug
at least twice. Scared the scrap out of me. While I was trying to watch TV she stretched out on the couch and put her head in my lap.

“You were so sweet last night,” she said, yawning as bed time came near.

“I was?”

“Yes…” she said. “However, is it okay if I just go sleep in my own bed? I’m really tired. Someone kept me up all night.”

I felt a sudden rush of relief that she would leave me alone.

“Oh, yeah, sure. Good night,” I said.

I’ve been in bad spots with women before but this is probably the worst.

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Modern Lovers

Sometimes things just don’t work out the way you plan.

Ever since Jackie and I hooked up in that bar bathroom last month we’ve been chatting nearly every day (again). Sometimes, when you factor in phone calls, texts, Twitter, Facebook, emails… it’s probably more like all day. That’s the thing with love in the modern age. You’re never really apart from anyone but somehow you can still feel so alone.

Actually physically seeing each other has been problematic. Work is an issue. So is her senile boyfriend (Yah, that’s right. They are still together). And then strange stuff will happen.

We’d make plans to meet up for drinks. Then I’d get a call from Theo that Jessie was on the verge of getting arrested at some crap hole bar like McGriff’s or Leon’s Lounge.

The worst was when her beau was suppose to go hunting. So of course we’re going to make a weekend out of it, right? Wrong. At the last minute he got the flu and stayed home. Then he got Jackie sick too. Fucker.

I need to take that last part back. He’s not a “fucker.” He’s a totally nice guy, in a “creepy old guy is screwing a girl way too young for him” sort of way. She really digs him. I don’t want to butt in and break them up. I want her to be happy. Hell, I want the old dude to be happy too.

Maybe I’m losing my edge. Normally I would have busted this relationship apart. I’m not above framing him for some heinous crime to get him out of the picture. Of course, him in jail on some trumped up charges would really hurt Jackie’s feelings so… yah, I won’t do that to her. Or him.

I’m not sure why I’m here. Well, let me re-phrase that. I know why I’m here. I’m here because I simply adore her.

I don’t mean “adore” in a common sort of way. I mean it completely. All of those things she hates about herself I love. Why? They are what makes her different. Her weird hairline. That one tooth that is sort of wonky. How she gets all crazy mad driving her car. The way her arms look normal but her hands look sort of fat and puffy. The fact that her pets die mysteriously (well, that part is sort of strange. I mean, if she’s killing them herself on purpose I think I need to bail on the relationship)

What I’m trying to say is I’m not one of these guys that stumbles across a girl and thinks, “Yah, she’d be great if only she would change BLANK.”

(By the way, most guys seem to think BLANK is either the girl’s breasts or her libido. It is NEVER her cooking skills. No guy gives a shit if you can cook)

I don’t want a nice, neat straight line. I love that Jackie is all tangled and complicated. It’s like looking at a young child’s scribbled drawing. From some angles you think it’s a rocket ship. As your perspective shifts you can see a bear or a car or a mountain. Eventually, the kid tells you “That’s my mama.” Uh, okay, whatever. It’s totally not a picture of your mom.

So when I say I’m not sure why I’m here what I’m saying is I don’t understand why Jackie wants me hanging around. She has to know that I’m a dick, right? I’m not bring anything to the table here. Sure, I’m funny as hell and an awesome lay. But my funniest shit is said in person when I can add some physical comedy to the mix and, well, we ain’t making the mattress go all bouncey-bouncey, are we?

I’m in love with her. She’s in like with me and in love with him. He’s in love with her and still mad I broke his nose playing tennis.

And I’m feeling lucky because I’m in the mix somewhere. He gets the old fashioned love (figures, he’s an old dude) and I get the hip. cool digital affection. It’s amazing how a set of 1′s and 0′s can please you.

Is this thing ideal? Probably not. But it seems to be working because I haven’t screwed it up so far. I guess we’re just super close friends that might make out some day.

The plans don’t always work out the way a young modern lover might want. Soemtimes they work out a lot better.

PS – Oh yah, Jackie says I can go screw who ever I want except for that pledge sister of her’s I banged back in college. Also, under no circumstances am I allowed to do anything physical with Jessie Byrd. How cool is that?

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